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March 15, 2003
went to j alexanders with
went to j alexanders with neal dave and tina.
were waiting for a table...neal and i are standing outside, its hella windy, im wearing my pin.stripe pants, curled my hair but it was raining some, so....looked icky....wearin steve madden mary janes, JNY peacoat and eddie bauer purplish tight long sleeve shirt...
leaning against a pole, neal looks at me oddly....my hair is blowing in my face [and mouth] and he is kind of staring at me....and i exclaim "what?!"to which he [clearly] responds "nothin"..so...i glare at him...and he keeps givin me the look...and i say "what???" sounding exasperated, im sure....he smiles, looks down and turns away then kind of looks back up at me and says "you look good tonight" i was trying to be better but....i rolled my eyes....we just stand there for a few, im trying to get the hair out of my mouth and face and he looks at me and kind of giggles and says "no, you look really good" so i, still being maggieular say "uh huh" sarcastically, of course....and he says "im serious, you really look good..." so...not knowing what to do, i just grabbed his coat and pulled him in some and gave him a little kiss...
i wish i were able to express what i think or feel about him better/at all...i just dont feel comfortable with it...i dont know why. i think its scary. i worry that i am feelin this much this quickly...i worry that i just want to be wiht someone or just want to be in a relationship, or that this will be like bill or sean or matt--i just really needed someone at this point in my life. i dont want that. i mean, neal deserves someone who likes *him* not just *a* boyfriend....and i dont think that is what is going on...i really really dont...but i worry about it since i have a history of doing that....
i dont know.....i guess ill just try to be self aware and figure it out later. i dont think i like being attractive and that is all...but....v0v
though, i really dont think that is it...
Posted by Maggie at March 15, 2003 3:27 PM