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October 19, 2002
live from the taft
**warning: these things were funny, most of you know, you need to multiply the 'humor' of this by 10-20 to understand how funny it actually was**
so, last night i saw jon stewart in cinci. it was the 40th anniversary of the improv, and aparrently they are opening one in kentucky. there was a guy who opened who i had just watched on comedy central presents earlier that week who had me DYING...but i dotn remeber his name jim g--something [not to be confused with john g from memento] but he was GREAT
jim g talked about stuff and did this thing where he would whisper under his breath 'i dont like him' or 'hes trouble' and other such things, pretending to say what the audience was thinking.
jon stewart is shorter than i thought. he came out and some people in the first row gave him a beer. he just was making shit up as he was going, at one point, he said 'so, what do you guys want to talk about'
he asked what people did in cincinnati, and someone yelled 'skyline' [for those not in the know, it is chili] and hes like 'oh, alright, are all the old people are scared of skyline....' or something like that, he was assuming this was actuallly somethin fun. then someone told him it was chili. and he goes 'i asked what people do around around here and you give me chili?!?!'
he talked about how it was the ugliest set ever there, and went behind a part of it and said he was van buren---this is cause we were at the taft.
he talked about canadians, said that most americans just think of them as the people who live in our attic. how he wanted to meet the guy who came to north america and said 'ill take the frozen part' and jon speculated that someone would have been like 'you can have the beach if you want' and he figured the response would have been 'nah, thats ok, this is fine.' and he said how canadians are the most passive people. how theyre the guys who, no matter what you do, are like 'no, its ok' or something like that
he also talked about how men have a reputation for always talking about sex and being vulgar and everything but he said that this is the extent of what men do
-ya go out last night
-yah
ya fuck her?
-yah
and thats it. then he said women are totally different, they are descriptive....and goes "it was like a small childs arm holding an apple" at this point, steve punched me really hard and started laughing***
he ended talking about sex and masturbation--in my opinion, the appropriate and classy way to end a stand up performance. explaining that guys are given a loaded weapon at 13 and are not allowed to use it till 17, so its perfectly normal for them to go shoot off a few practice rounds in the back yard. but then said that it never stops...and goes 'you guys wanna know how much i masturbate? well....lets just say, youre lucky im here'
talked about how you cant control what you are interested in sexually. if youre interested in chicks, you are. if youre interested in guys, you are. and theres nothin you can do to change it. 'the dick wants what it wants' and he said that its not like youre going to be sittin on the train one day and a guy asks you to blow him and you say no, then you discuss the finer points and three stops later youre like 'you make a good argument, i hadnt thought of it that way....alright, ill blow ya' and then did something about pumpkins. he said that the mind and the heart have no influence over what the dick thinks. he said 'if youre driving home tonight and you go by a pumpkin patch and you get a little tingle......then a few days later you drive by the same pumpkin patch and feel a tingle again.......one day, youre gonna be fuckin a pumpkin'
aparrently at the daily show they have footage of a guy fuckin a pinata. someone asked where, to this, he was apalled. however, i had been wondering the same thing. i wondered if he was fuckin it in the ass or if he was going through the opening you use to put the candy in. well, jon stewart was shocked and dismayed by this question and thought the person was crazy.
anyway, it was GREAT, hilarious, glorious, i only wish it could have gone on longer
on a totally different note, i was talking to brandon today about people being in the closet, and he said that if someone says theyre straight and it is clear that they are not, what they really mean is "you know, right now i could use a huge dick in my ass" ok, it was funnier when he said it.....thats the way of the world though, isnt it??
***if you dont get this, you havent known me long enough. feel free to ask, i may or may not tell the story
Posted by Maggie at October 19, 2002 3:43 PM